Why Feeling “In Control” Is Actually Making You More Anxious (The Valet Seat Story)
Think control helps your anxiety? Think again. Learn how false control can increase stress and why letting go is key to real emotional freedom.
Have you ever convinced yourself that if you just worked harder, planned tighter, or stayed two steps ahead, you’d finally feel calm?
It’s a story I see all the time in therapy, especially with high-achieving professionals. The belief that control is the solution to anxiety. But more often than not, it’s the cause.
Let me explain.
When Control Feels Safer Than Comfort
I’m 5’8″, so when I drive, I need legroom. I keep my seat back far enough to stretch out and drive comfortably. But a few weeks ago, I got my car back from valet and nearly knocked my knee into the dashboard.
The seat was so far up it felt like I was in a Mario go-kart game. My body immediately tensed.
And just like that, I was back in my first car: a little Pontiac Sunfire. Back then, I used to sit way too close to the wheel on purpose. My uncle once told me, “That’s too close. You can’t drive like that.” But I insisted. It made me feel safer, more in control.
That tight, effortful posture? I thought it protected me. But what it really did was limit me.
What Is False Control?
False control is when we hold onto routines, habits, or patterns that make us feel secure, but are actually keeping us anxious, uncomfortable, and stuck.
In therapy, I often work with clients who:
- Overfunction at work to avoid emotional discomfort
- Micro-manage relationships out of fear of abandonment
- Struggle to rest because rest feels like losing control
They think, “If I just hold everything together, I’ll finally feel better.” But they don’t. Because control doesn’t heal anxiety, trust does.
Anxiety and the Illusion of Safety
Let’s be clear: wanting to feel safe isn’t the problem. But when your sense of safety comes from constant tension, hypervigilance, and perfectionism, you’re not actually safe. You’re just conditioned to think discomfort is normal.
That valet seat reminded me: I used to think safety required shrinking. But it doesn’t.
Today, I drive with my seat all the way back. And, guess what? I’m still in control, just not at the expense of my comfort. I’ve learned to trust myself. And that trust has brought more calm than control ever did.
Therapy Can Help You Let Go of Control Without Falling Apart
If you’re tired of clenching your way through life, therapy can help. At Poplar Belief Therapy, I work with professionals who are ready to stop performing and start healing. Together, we unpack the patterns, perfectionism, and anxiety keeping you in tension, and build something freer, softer, and more sustainable.
